thoughts

official as of 1.21.25

  • i am so beyond scared for what the next four years will bring. i keep having this thought over and over that i voted for EVERYONE'S future, but a majority of the country voted for greed.
  • i still don't get why you should take such good care of your image. if you're a good person it'll show. we're all going to die anyway and everyone is just doing their best. it seems like unnecessary stress.
  • i also don't understand why so many people hate the "would you love me if i was a worm" question. the whole basis of it is "would you love me unconditionally, flaws and all?"
  • i made this little section just to write silly thoughts and that's not what ended up happening. suddenly i've never had a silly thought in my life.
  • how do taxes work? why does filing them suck SO much?
  • i think the only great time to live was during the renaissance.
  • shibari is humans wanting to be spiders.
  • given the chance, even ordinary citizens will become power hungry.
  • we're watching a coup unfold in real time, and no one is stopping it. no one is coming to save us.
  • obsession ruins my life, but it also helps in some ways. unfortunately, i obsess over a lot.
  • i'm deeply annoyed by the fact that i have to work and i can't just spend my time being a clowngirl for fun.
  • speaking of work, why are we still working when countries are preparing for war against us? when our country is crumbling around us?
  • turns out being active is the solution to like... 70% of my problems. sad? leg press. mad? v squat. depressed? cable kickbacks.
  • my life has gotten very boring recently, which is peaceful. but i do miss random adventures a little bit.
  • so uhhhh... how we feeling about the market manipulation we just watched unfold...?
  • i absolutely picked the wrong year to start taking my health seriously.
  • would it be cringy if i covered my server in anime girl stickers?
  • i really neglect this specific page so much, all my thoughts are like the melancholic inner brain of a 14 year old emo girl (have i never recovered?)
  • i miss dancing. not for the clients, but i had so much fun being in the spotlight and just feeling super feminine. i miss just being a girl and doing fun girl things, like getting my nails done and helping someone else tie her ribbons.
  • one time i showed a guy lorna shore's "to the hellfire" and he said "that's not heavy at all". that's how i knew men just lie for the fun of it. you're telling me sounding like a pig isn't considered heavy? okay my guy. okay.
  • how the FUCK are people meeting their protein goals? i'm lucky if i can get up to 140 grams and there's people out there getting like 300... how??
  • it feels quiet in this section. i've added videos, music, secrets and dreams, and yet it just feels like i'm staring at a blank wall. this is also the most maintained section, so i'm not sure how to fix that.
  • over a thousand visits happen to this site every month and at least 700 of those have gotta be mine.
  • i can feel my frontal lobe developing and suddenly everything is making more sense and i'm also stupid as hell.
  • the last five years i've spent thinking "please let me grow out of this soon" about different things and i just wanna know if i'm going to think i'm stupid for the rest of my life or if i get to feel confident in a decision for once.
  • every so often i have the most vivid and beautiful dreams, sometimes nostalgic, and it pisses me off when i wake up. i almost prefer the nightmares, because those feel less like being given hope then having it ripped away.
  • what i'm about to do next may be the best or worst decision of my life. not knowing how it's going to play out is terrifying me.
  • i don't know who i write about. some days it's a specific person, other days it's more of a feeling. "you" is an identity mess. i really should clean up this site.
  • the only reason i'm going through with this is because i know better than to let myself stay stuck. i know i need to be uncomfortable to grow. i'm just terrified.
  • i think it was the best decision. i feel good about it at least.
  • men don't get enough hate. and i don't give a fuck about the whole "well i wouldn't do that" because sure you wouldn't, you would do WORSE.
  • imposter syndrome is so dumb. "oh no i'm a fake specialist in this industry they're going to catch meeeeeee" (has experience and education in said industry).
  • how is the brain capable of retaining so much information? and capable of learning more and more? i get you forget things over time but i feel like the amount you retain is always way more than what you forget, how does that work?
  • it's happening again.
  • no one feels right to have in my space.